Watching the show on Rogers TV Cable 10, Real Women, Real Hits, Real Hearts, the Toronto Roller derby, I will confess that I gladly spend an evening shamelessly ogling burlesque looking broads in spandex-clad onesies while they brutally maul each other on roller skates.
My understanding of Roller Derby was limited to that shitty movie Drew Barrymore made with that pseudo-dyke from Juno so to be honest, I was expecting some campy Riot Grrl stunts and girls dressed up like extras for a Tarantino film crying over chipped fingernails. But then I met Miss Kitty La Peur, a tough little Asian chick that introduced me to the Gore Gore Roller Girl team who sat incapacitated from severe whiplash, and I found out that they actually kick the crap out of each other. How hot is that?
Toronto’s Roller Derby league is serious. The girls all have to go through a rigorous boot camp called the Fresh Meat Program where they’re drafted to a team so they can sift out all the crybabies immediately. Whoever remains has to endure aggressive practices, training sessions with personal trainers, and the restraint of squeezing their ass into cheetah print underwear in front of hundreds of people. It’s for those reasons that I’m both intrigued and terrified by Derby Girls. So this past weekend, I went to check out rival teams: Chicks Ahoy vs. Gore Gore Rollergirls to vicariously live out all my girl on girl fantasies. The scene was something out of a redneck rodeo with an over zealous announcer decked out in plaid, little kids dragging around plastic bags to pick up your empty PBRs, and hundreds of rowdy fans banging on bleachers and screaming obscenities. In short: it totally ruled. The Gores came out victorious 124 to 80, but I still couldn’t tell you what that means, because I have no idea how the game is played. It’s a technical strategy that involves lapping the other team’s Jammer without getting pummeled. I got confused after they started talking about pivots and blockers and just wanted to drink beer and shout things.
I caught up with some of the girls in their sweaty post-victory glow where they yanked on each other’s bras and posed for photos. There were a lot of “likes” and “fuckins” in the interview that I mostly removed for coherence. Bambi, the reigning queen of Derby was really mouthy while Dust Bunny and Hurlin’ Wall fought over who was hotter. I suddenly felt as if I’d just stepped inside an adolescent boy’s we dream.
What’s your roller derby name?
B: Bambi, because when I started skating it looked like I was a fucking deer when I tried to skate, I would almost fall but not like, actually fall.
CC: Candy Crossbones, I’m sort of nice, but sort of sneaky. Like I’m sweet, but I sneak in there, I hide behind all the other people. I’ve been in the league since it began, so like four years. I played a lot of team sports but these girls are totally weird, and different and accepting in a way that jockey girls normally are. I always played high school sports and the girls that I played with called me a drama fag, whatever.
DB: I have two, one’s Dust Bunny for the Gore Gore Roller Girls then I’m Defecaitlin for CN Power (Toronto’s All- Star team)
So it’s like your alter ego?
B: Yeah, I guess. I’m not really into the whole, “oh roller derby, I get to be all tough and awesome” I’m fucking awesome all the time.
DB: Not really. I guess Defecaitlin is kind of gross because I like shit jokes. It’s all me.
Is there anything your Derby self would do that you normally wouldn’t?
B: Well, I’m not gonna body slam someone in the TTC if I want to get by, right? But I have attitude on the track and off the track.
What does it take to be a Derby girl?
CC: It takes a willingness to hurt people and get hurt and not take it seriously. We get a lot of people at first that get hit and aren’t used to it at first so naturally they get a fire in the belly. Someone hits you, and you’re like, “I’ll fucking hit you” but you gotta be able to take that in stride because the whole game is about smashing each other. It’s pretty fun though, right? When do girls get to be super aggressive. And not be like, there is an attitude in certain circles that think girls shouldn’t be like that and I say, ‘fuck those circles’ it’s sort of nice to be in a circle that values that.
How do you feel about tonight’s game ?
B: They’re our biggest competition, but we’re already so big, so I can like, take it easy. But they could come back at us at any point.
CC: It’s a bit intense, Gores are a really awesome team and my team is like, very good. But we were pretty intimidated.
DB: I was really nervous about playing the Chicks because you basically sign up to get the shit beat outta you and that’s not really that fun. So it feels good to beat them, but you never actually feel like you won.
Who’s the biggest babe in the league?
B: Pretty much anyone on my team. I think we’re the hottest; my captain Dust Bunny: Smokin! And Brimstone, everyone. There are hot people all over the place.
CC: Wow, that’s hard. There are super hot babes in Roller Derby. Um, Dust Bunny. She’s on the Gores.
DB/HW: (Hurlin’ Wall joins in) you are! (point at each other) Probably Dust Bunny, she’s the crowd favorite. Her ass has been in the newspaper.
Really? I heard you guys can tell each other by your asses?
DB: Oh yeah (Dust Bunny points at Hurlin’) she has the ass. Big asses are good in Derby.
Does all this girl on girl contact attract a lot of lesbians to the sport?
B: You could say that, there are tons of lesbians but there’s almost just as equal amount of straight girls. I mean, it’s cool, because usually you’ll either get one or the other.
HW: It’s like half and half. It’s definitely queer-friendly.
Can you sift them out?
B: You can tell. They’re pretty open about it.
What do you mean, do they get grabby hands?
B: Oh yeah, especially at the after parties.
Are you going to the after party? What are they like?
B: They’re pretty wild. But not as nuts at the after-after party, where all the good stuff goes down.
CC: They’re pretty crazy sometimes, like when they devolve into debauchery, everyone gets really hammered and then suddenly everyone’s grinding on each other, you know tits are out, it happens.
HW: Dancing, drinking and dirty popping contests, lots of Jagger.
What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve ever seen in Roller Derby?
DB: People break their legs in half; I guess that’s not really weird, that’s just gross. Oh, streakers, we’ve got streakers. Like people run across the track naked.
CC: I tore three ligaments in my knee, last year in August. It was actually my fault I was giving a girl a big hit and slammed down with her and my knee got twisted and I fell. And I didn’t notice it going down and as I got up I felt it a bit skating to the penalty box, but then the adrenaline took over so I didn’t feel it for the rest of the game. Then I was limping for like two months and I was like, I guess I should go see a doctor.
What kind of reaction do you get from dudes when you tell them about Derby?
HW: Actually I randomly invited someone I met at the St. Lawrence market and he showed up. I invited him yesterday. And he was like, “hey I came!” And I was like, “oh that’s the dude that sold me wine.”
DB: I think the dudes and the girls are really into it. I had a girl ask me for my autograph and she said if I gave it to her would I give her my phone number also.
B: They’re usually like, “oh, really? I can’t believe that. You don’t look like that at all.”
What’s with all the male refs and coaches?
B: They just want to be involved, somehow, some way. They’ll do anything.
Yeah, okay. They’re just into the babes.
B: They’re really into the sport actually and because they can’t skate, they honestly love all the girls. We have an amazing manager. It’s an all girls- sport, but our manager is the glue for our team, you need that one dude to balance out all the girls and I think it’s a good thing.
You have cash in your bra.
HW: Yeah.. that’s from my dad.
Weird.
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